suboxone : heroin

i still dont understand why this works as good as it does for us. yesterday during our seven hour drive we talked about how as the years pass more & more i believe that the kick is mostly psychological. i see people who dont want to quit try & use suboxone and they go into withdrawals even if theyve waited way longer than i ever would to take part of a sub. and they hold onto that excuse and parade the fuck out of it. Ive experienced some withdrawals with subs if i let them dissolve and if i dont wait long enough - but if i use some smack they go away and then if i continue taking the subs i continue getting detoxed without the kick.

its like how the first kick is free. i went on a goddamn 6 hour hike with a 50 pound backpack into the wilderness of tahoe with my dad the first time i went thru withdrawals. 24 hours from fixing when i started the hike. the day before Id flown from Dulles International to SFO. barely slept the night. drove the 5 hours to tahoe. climbed a fucking mountain. all the while "if i was a strung-out junkie would i really be this ok doing this? come on dad!" its like because you dont know whats in the mail you never receive it. the next time isnt quite so easy.

yesterday we went a solid 30 hours, didnt take any suboxone, felt absolutely fine. just two sneezing fits on the way up. made it to the city around 8:30pm. didnt really care to use but you know how it is with old habits dying hard. went to see a friend and its just what we do when we see her. shot a gram and a half split with my husband (the junk isnt as good in the city, i mean you can get good junk but who wants to wait?). now its another 12 hours later still feeling 100% might take a quarter or a half before bed. then a bit tomorrow and we should be done kicking. why it works this way i have no fucking clue. its just my experience. it doesnt make sense by medical standards, what they tell you about suboxone how yr supposed to take it and all that. just another reason why i keep thinking the majority of the kick is psychological.

now the trick is to stay busy. cartwheels and such.

got to play a show at 5pm tonight. late notice. itll be amazing if anyone shows.