the space in between discipline & thought

so it has been a minute. a few days composing a few weeks almost rounding out a month. my apologies to whomever might care. life is life is life. and here i am again. after a sabbatical during which i learned nothing new and pleasantly reminded myself that in all actuality i dont like knowing what Im thinking or what i might think Im feeling. bah.

no days clean. thats where Im at. up north managed to stay loaded with the exception of a day, the hours of which i dont think could even be rounded up to 24 hours. my band managed to play an inpromptu show at the end of a cul-de-sac. a decent number of folks showed up considering the late notice and i think a good time was had by all despite the show being more like a rehersal than a show.

we returned back south. home. to ventura. where we continued to stay loaded. the in-laws came over for dinner, with my parents and my brothers and a travelling brother-in-law, at our place. just after dinner i did the rinse. after which i could not - for the death of me! - keep my goddamn fucking eyes open. during the moments i could keep them open they certainly werent in focus. nor open all the way. i failed at solving the opposite problem with my mouth, which i couldn't - for the life of me! - keep closed. two blatant "IM LOADED AS FUCK!" traits. an embarrassing time was had by all, except me due to the complete apathetic state that junk puts me in. the next day the embarrassment caught up to me as i doggy-paddled thru confrontation after confrontation after pseudo-halfhearted-faux intervention.

mom: "is your husband in denial or was he just trying to cover up for you?"
that said with regard to me being loaded & her (luckily!) under the impression that my husband is clean. thank god she thinks he is doing well!

as we near the end of the month the same conclusions as always arise: i wish we had more money. more motivation to live. more enjoyment in our life. i wish we did more. that our lives had more value. that we cared enough to do something to create more value. and all this would probably be possible if we didnt spend every extra dollar on junk.

everything seems to go into our gas tank or into our arms.
well, not my arm because i hit my femoral. but its all the same to me as long as the result is the same. and it is. and after all these years i want a different result. but because life is ok. because i go to work and i go to school and i have a decent relationship with my family and i pay my bills because of all of that because of the lack of emotional despair and the presence of responsible enough living i just dont have the push to clean up. i like checking out once or twice a day. i like getting high. i enjoy shooting heroin and how it makes the few problems i have (do i have problems? really? perhaps i could be a bit more financially responsible. donate to good causes. get new tires for my car. spend money on things that make me feel alive instead of asleep) dissolve in the dreamscape of my nod. Ive tried hitting bottom before & it didnt work. it briefly provided the necessary motivation to stay clean and then when things improved i got high and simply didnt go back to the bottom - being homeless for a year seemed to scar those who love me more than it did me. i dont know if it even was bottom. i had a pretty fucking alright time and enjoyed most of it with the exception of not being able to take nice, warm baths whenever i wanted. certainly learned more about myself and the world than i did from the 3 year spent getting my college degree.

so maybe its just a matter of discipline at this point. when Ive been clean the most important thing i did was not use my brain. anytime i thought : i failed. i couldnt think AND stay clean. i had to just do, without thinking. and as long as i did, and didnt think, i stayed clean. i just dont know if i have the discipline right now to not think, even if itll do me good. its a difficult thing to commit to. where is the middle ground? give me directions and perhaps Ill meet you there next month.

xoxo

and now another 7 hour drive

just. quickly. wanted to put that yesterday i endedup taking a quarter (2mg) of suboxone around noon. later around 9pm i noticed my nose running when i tilted my head down & took a half (4mg). slept like a baby. no heroin yesterday. played a show with my band in the driveway of my folks house. got pretty good attendance considering that we only posted the event around 10pm Sunday. now off for coffee. will probably take another quarter later. hoping to make it thru the city without doing anything. its just one of those things ... stuck in a car for 7 hours there doesnt seem to be anything better at the end of the road than a nice big shot of heroin to cure the aches.

suboxone : heroin

i still dont understand why this works as good as it does for us. yesterday during our seven hour drive we talked about how as the years pass more & more i believe that the kick is mostly psychological. i see people who dont want to quit try & use suboxone and they go into withdrawals even if theyve waited way longer than i ever would to take part of a sub. and they hold onto that excuse and parade the fuck out of it. Ive experienced some withdrawals with subs if i let them dissolve and if i dont wait long enough - but if i use some smack they go away and then if i continue taking the subs i continue getting detoxed without the kick.

its like how the first kick is free. i went on a goddamn 6 hour hike with a 50 pound backpack into the wilderness of tahoe with my dad the first time i went thru withdrawals. 24 hours from fixing when i started the hike. the day before Id flown from Dulles International to SFO. barely slept the night. drove the 5 hours to tahoe. climbed a fucking mountain. all the while "if i was a strung-out junkie would i really be this ok doing this? come on dad!" its like because you dont know whats in the mail you never receive it. the next time isnt quite so easy.

yesterday we went a solid 30 hours, didnt take any suboxone, felt absolutely fine. just two sneezing fits on the way up. made it to the city around 8:30pm. didnt really care to use but you know how it is with old habits dying hard. went to see a friend and its just what we do when we see her. shot a gram and a half split with my husband (the junk isnt as good in the city, i mean you can get good junk but who wants to wait?). now its another 12 hours later still feeling 100% might take a quarter or a half before bed. then a bit tomorrow and we should be done kicking. why it works this way i have no fucking clue. its just my experience. it doesnt make sense by medical standards, what they tell you about suboxone how yr supposed to take it and all that. just another reason why i keep thinking the majority of the kick is psychological.

now the trick is to stay busy. cartwheels and such.

got to play a show at 5pm tonight. late notice. itll be amazing if anyone shows.

oh, speed.

so brilliant me! we must go north tomorrow so see my folks, who will then return with us south and stay two nights. the house is a disaster, a mild one but still ... its just barely not tidy enough for house guests. as i mentioned in my previous post: it is time to kick. what goes with a messy house and time to kick? speed!!

my brainium decided it would be brililant to get a little bag of speed last night. i envisioned myself cleaning up the house with the drive and attention to detail that only comes with using speed. i am not a fan of speed meth chrystal crank ice glass whathaveyou. i am not one bit of a fan. so i thought perfect! its time to kick! and when i do speed i spend hours introspective and always come to the conclusion that i want my life to have value and that using takes value away from my life (at this point - 10 years ago that was not the case as what Ive learned about myself by having a habit is invaluable. Ive learned more about myself and the world by getting a habit than by getting my degree from college.) Plus my husband turns into a wonderful loving attentive partner when on speed.

Well i have to jet but let me sum it up: the house is not clean. my husband played poker on the phone for 9 hours. and because we have the 7 hour drive tomorrow we have to sleep tonight which means we ended up using smack anyway. but i took a quarter of a sub so i should be set tomorrow to continue kicking comfortably.