over the last 9 years - since july 3rd 2003 when i decided i wanted to shoot heroin until i died (i turned 27 and re-evaluated that decision) - Ive put together more than 11 days clean on 3 seperate occassions. on each occassion i wanted something that conflicted with shooting smack.
Ive been to rehab 3 times, with my longest stay being 9 days when i was 21 and my shortest stay being 4 days at age 24. the third time i went - fully my idea, unlike the first 2 times - i was 27 and got kicked out on day 6 i think. i doubt Ill ever go back to rehab unless i really need a vacation. the longer i use the more i recognize junk as a coping tool. 12-step, exercise, religion, work music whatever : these all work as coping tools as well. when i started shooting heroin on a daily basis it was because i was in emotional pain and didnt know how to cope. i didnt want to feel anything and i didnt understand why/how people got strung-out on heroin until the moment it became clear : heroin is liquid apathy. the cure for pain, albeit temporary. it also makes life incredibly simple black&white focused. when strung-out Im well sick or high. what matters most is heroin everything else is secondary and it dictates my schedule makes my decisions sets my days priorities. nothing is so serious.
the first time i managed to stay clean for more than 11 days followed my release from custody to county parole. my parole officer tested me. the conditions of my release included getting a job going to 12-step meetings and reporting weekly. i went to meetings. i got a job. i enrolled in school. i reported and i stayed clean. i didnt want to go back to jail. Id done 6 months for grand theft auto and before i went in Id actually kicked - tapered off - as part of this huge plan i promised myself Id execute that involved getting off the streets and living in a house with a white picket fence for foreverafter. when i went in i hated the drug and i thought my time with it over. using dreams were nightmares Id wake up heart racing afraid of kicking. i genuinely considered myself done. with almost 10 months clean, two and a half months out of custody & with two weeks after being off of parole, with no one to test for and jail not hanging over my head i made a deal with myself that if someone offered me oxycontin Id do it. someone just happen to the next day. i did it. got 30 days. fell into a relationship with another junky and off to the races strung-out again i went.
the second time i wanted to join the swim team at the local junior college. i quit smoking cigarettes quit smoking crack and shooting speedballs and heroin two days before i jumped in the water. i didnt realize at the time that the swim team i joined happened to be state champions with practices twice daily (am & pm). it felt so fucking good to be in the water again - i swam competitively for 10 years before leaving high school at age 16 for college 4,000 miles away in Montreal. i swam attended school with a full course-load and worked full-time. age 26 going on 27 at this point. it lasted for a little over 3 months: two weeks after i quit the team due to feeling overwhelmed (on the recommendation of my sponsor) i started shooting-up again.
the third time love got me clean. we got high once together. i kicked. stayed clean for 10 months. until he left me for prison. that was august of 2010. now its 2012.
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