dirty dull rigs & musings about exchange

the rigs we use finally seem to be deteriorating. the numbers are unreadable, the stoppers on the plungers stick & pop off stuck in the barrel, the points dull enough to require a running jab to puncture the skin &/or bent enough to be a miracle everytime it resurfaces not broken off. we've been using the same ones for almost a month. the exchange here runs once a week, on a weekday, for two hours from 10-12p; statistically a retarded time to run it if you want people to actually use clean rigs. because yr fucked if you have a 9-5. but most people dont think of junkies as having 9-5s. the exchange staff makes it as inconvenient as possible. they're 12-steppers. the idea of running a peer exchange was incomprehensible to the staff. junkies taking clean needles to junkies who are too apathetic to make it to the exchange? no matter if those are the kids most at risk for contracting & spreading disease. but this is a conservative/republican county in california and its a miracle the exchange runs. even if the 12-steppers use it as a platform to promote abstinence via a spiritual solution - which ironically makes it appear incredibly unattractive; their sponsors should go over the traditions with them. Id rather be a junky than a self-righteous asshole, hooked desperately on an abstract concept to survive. when i can make it Im always grateful to be on the dirty side of the fence.

that used to never be the case. in SF, mary sunshine who runs SFNE, i go and leave feeling like a piece of shit - in the best way possible. i exit half the time seriously considering kicking; cursing for the motivation to do amazing shit with my life until i fix, fall into the lull of liquid apathy. i almost feel something other than just sick or well or high. not here. not with these assholes. i always try to stumble in there with a disgustingly happy grin, laughing from my stomach. which is fucking hard to do strung-out. laughter only seems to come from the throat once the invisible line from being a chippy to stung-out gets crossed.

years ago my mom found my clean rigs and threw them out. i explained to her that Id more than willingly stick a dull, crusty rig into my arm if a dull, crusty rig appeared the only method of administration. i told her Id get more cleans anyway. she asked where. i told her the exchange. she told me she wanted to bomb the needle exchange. years later the director of the exchange became her only way to contact me, the only way to know if i was still above ground. today she writes letters advocating the importance of access to clean needles. she understands that without the exchange there would be less exposure to important social services to alternatives like getting clean, kids would contract diseases get their shit together and die before being able to help others get their shit together. access to free, clean needles just means that iv drug users are less likely to be taken advantage of by those with access to (not necessarily clean) needles. Ive used dirty needles in moments of sickness and i have a college education for christ sake. 

in miami i lost a point it broke off under my skin while trying to hit a vein. crackheads sell points for $5 and theyre shit, ultrafine points most of the time; the junkies sell them 2 or 3 for $5. the market is run by crackheads and junkies due to exchange being illegal in florida. Id been using & reusing the point, unable to find another better needle, until it broke. anyway. that was in may 2010 & the point hasn't come out yet.